Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Words from a Stranger

So tonight I'll be getting a little personal, but that is okay.  I already feel humbled today with what happened, a little more humbling can't hurt.  And, it's probably good for me!  In my other posts, I have talked about dealing a lot lately with fear, anxiety, worry...and the like.  One of the things that I have been obsessing over for a good while now is my weight.  Yes, I know I am not obese, but I am definitely bigger than I have ever been...20 lbs to be exact.  I had surgery last year, and in the months leading up to it I had to take medicine.  This began in 2009.  This medicine really piled the pounds on, and fast.  Another side effect of the medicine was that I had an extra hefty appetite.  This is never good, but I had to give an excuse as to why the pounds came on...it's my nature.  This being said, I have tried and failed at several diet attempts, exercise attempts...you name it!  However, nothing really took hold.  I was failing in my endeavors because I had lost my will-power, or so I thought.  Now, not to throw anybody under the bus, but this is how it happened.  The week of Thanksgiving, I went to out of town to see my Maw Maw and other family Members for the holiday.  One of the days, while my sweet husband was golfing, I was with some immediate family members.  As we pulled up to Taco Casa, a family favorite, I thought about what I might order.  I told one of my family members that I wanted a cheese dip with chips.  I had no longer gotten the words out, when this family member started in.  Soon, this family member had the help of another family member.  They were really going at me.  Telling me all that I had eaten since we had been on the trip, explaining to me that I would be getting fat as soon as I ate what I had ordered...and on and on.  I, uncharacteristically broke out in tears.  Usually it is my style to hold it in and get really mad, then later blow up on someone :)  Anyway, the first family member, the instigator...this person got in my face and said sarcastically several times, "why are you crying!"  I have an exclamation point at the end because it was not a question if you know what I'm saying.  I cried and cried, and couldn't stop crying.  It really was not like me.  Nonetheless, it happened and the next morning I had caused myself so much agony that I got a migraine headache.  Really, I am not trying to blame anyone because it was totally my fault for giving someone's words that much credit.  I shared that story to share with you what I experienced today.  There have been several other instances of me worrying about appearance, weight, social status, etc.  I'll just have you know that I thought I had this one covered.  I mean, until the past few years, I never struggled with worrying about appearances...well maybe I have always been a little concerned, but lately this struggle has taken the cake.  After Thanksgiving, I decided to get my butt in gear and get to the gym.  I finally got it in gear the last week of December.  I joined and have been faithful in going to Born Again Crossfit in Johnson, AR.  Now, I can't brag on this place enough...Christian music, Bible verses, encouraging people.  It is truly unbelievable.  I have been loving it.  The owner Jonathan, is a fellow believer, hence the name "Crossfit Born Again."  You see, I have only been acquainted with Jonathon for not even 3 weeks at this point.  I speak and am cordial, but not about anything personal.  I go in to do my workout and to receive his daily words of encouragement like, "hurry up, you can do it!"  Today, when I walked in I began with, I am sorry I was not here Friday or yesterday, bet you thought I wasn't coming back."  All he said was, "no I knew you'd be back."  I was thinking at that point that he must have some faith in me.  After the warm up, he told me he wanted to tell me something, that he needed to tell me something.  He told me that God had woken him up in the middle of the night last night and spoke to him about me.  He said he felt weird at first about telling me, but that God wanted him to tell me what God had told him.  At this point, I am not going to lie, I was a little nervous.  So then he started in.  He told me that God wanted me to focus on my heart, not my outward appearance or beauty.  He specifically said to me, "it doesn't matter what your family says, what anyone says about you physcially, what you need to do or look like, but God looks at the heart.  He went on to say, you may look really good by the world's standards now, but what about when you are 50?  What then?"  Then he started in about how all that I have is from God.  My education, my stuff, any material possession I had was from the Lord.  Then he said, "Molly, I don't know what you are dealing with...it is none of my business, but you need to stop worrying about the material.  It cannot go with you to heaven.  Worry about the eternal.  Stop worrying about social status."  At this point, I was just trying not to cry.  I succeeded at that, and thanked him.  I really appreciated his honesty.  Man, how those words hit home.  I really believed and still believe that those words are from God because they were so personal.  I know that what he said was true.  I was in awe of how much God cared for me by allowing another human, even a stranger to speak God's words into my life.  What a blessing.  I'm not going to lie, I felt a little ashamed that God had told me these things through another human at first, but then I felt glad.  I was convicted on so many levels, but I was also comforted.  I took a lot away from what he said to me.  I am so thankful that my family's words on that day do not have to mean what I took them to mean.  God specifically told me today that they are of no importance.  Praise God for that!  Man, what a blessed girl I am and so unworthy.  Yes, even though I am unworthy, God loves me enough to not only correct me, but to comfort me!

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